Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
#Caturday
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.