9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.