If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt