If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Sniffing the broccoli
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
God has abandoned us.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭