smh
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Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
#Caturday
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.