Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.