I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.