One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*