My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
welp
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip