I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?