Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.