1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.