If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
This is my cat’s medicine.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an