If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.