Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.