Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*lint rolls you awake*
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog