The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You Might Also Like
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down