Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.