Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I think I’ll stand
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack