What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
You Might Also Like
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel