Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Never be a pizza!
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
…..pretty much.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Ugh but profoundly
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?