dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks