wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.