PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Ugh but profoundly
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The internet is magic sometimes.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings