If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.