quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Can. I. Help. You.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”