Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot