I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*checks Timeline*…
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor