Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
? đź’€
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number