I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*