I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Does this dress make me look cat?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough