Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
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okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.