There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Lassie, get help!
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED