Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver