I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
You Might Also Like
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Breaking news:
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
prepare for carbonated trouble
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.