Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*