it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me