I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
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After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Unexpected Judgment
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Some people were born into their job.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.