it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.