Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
#Caturday
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
S M O L
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.