I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
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Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns