COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
You Might Also Like
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.