Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.