[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain