Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*