Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.