8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage