Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.