Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
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Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
❤️🦆
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?