[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
You Might Also Like
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Merica.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?